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My Life Between Coffee and Wine

Humor from the Home Front

EVELYN AUCOIN

Evelyn Aucoin
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Keep the Crayons in the Box

02/20/2015 by Evelyn Aucoin Leave a Comment

A friend of mine made a brilliant post on Facebook during the midst of one of the recently racially infused news headlines. He said:

“We must stop speaking of one another as though we are living in a box of crayons.”

Do you ever realized how often we label one another? I am guilty of this, and the person I like to stamp all over with adjectives is usually me. His description focuses on color – but think of how we label by size, religion, etc..

One day when they were elementary school age, I took my two boys to McDonalds for a happy meal. We didn’t eat a lot of fast food so this was an event for us. Let me explain something about my youngest – he takes his food very seriously. Now, as a 16-year-old, he could eat Paula Deen out of house and home. I do not think it is a coincidence that a new HEB was built one mile from my house – it was a strategic move on their part. And the child can talk. Yes it is genetic, though my husband would argue that it is a miracle anyone in my casa can ever get a word in when I am around. And the child loves McDonald’s so much, he requested to have his 4th birthday party there. And 5th and 6th. You get the picture.

So, as we are standing at the counter waiting for our food, he is jabbering a mile a minute talking about which toy he hopes he gets in the freaking happy meal, how much he loves french fries, he hopes they go easy on the salt, what he is going to do when he gets home. etc.  We are the only ones around, so this mother of the year must have been feeding her kids lunch at some random time.

The register was being handled by a woman probably in her late teens / early twenties. She looks at me and says “Did you know your son as ADD?” and then adds slowly in explanation “That means Attention Deficit Disorder”.

Now hear is the really shocking part – I was speechless. She obviously misjudges my expression, and continues, “You know you can take him to a doctor and get medication so he is not like this, Mom.” I have a rule, only humans who have made their earthly debut via my va-jay-jay can call me that, so I my inner redneck was somewhere north of ticked off and south of kicking off my flip flops and pulling her hair.

My response, “I find it amazing that someone like you is working here. I mean, with your student loans from medical school, I think it must hard to make ends meet ringing up Big Macs.”

I called my best friend on the way home, and I let her know that you can get a diagnosis with out a copay while you drink a milkshake in front of a clown (and I was not referring to Ronald). To say I want not “Lovin’ it!” would be to put it mildly. That idiot needed to put her crayons away and keep them the hell off of my kid. She is lucky Mama Bear wasn’t PMS’ing.

 

Filed Under: humor, parenting Tagged With: adhd

We start margarita education early down here in Texas, y’all

02/18/2015 by Evelyn Aucoin 2 Comments

Margarita Education

Many years ago when my boys were toddlers, we were loaned a margarita machine to use for a party. We thought it was prudent to borrow it a weekend early, so we could figure out how to use it, and test different mixes / ratios of mix and tequila. Luckily, we had a friend come over on a Friday night who volunteered to help us with the test drive.

Well, the test drive went so well he ended up spending the night on the couch. Let’s just say he was not in any condition for bacon and eggs Saturday morning. He would periodically step into the back yard for some “fresh air” and my three year old, Corwin, asked what was wrong, and I gave some non-specific answer and then promptly changed the subject.

The following week..

I take the kids into day care one morning, and as we start to walk into the building, Corwin barfs all over the sidewalk and entry mat. As I apologize, put the one-year-old down, and start to clean up, Corwin’s teacher walks up, bends over to comfort him and says, “I’m so sorry Corwin that you’re not feeling well.” Corwin doesn’t miss a beat, looks up with his big blue eyes, and shakes his head as he explains, “Oh Miss Caroline, I think I had too many margaritas.”

Since that three-year-old is now a freshman in college, I think I can safely assume the statute of limitations for CPS to come investigate me based on this statement has expired. If not, well I guess I know what I should serve when they show up. Salt or no salt? Frozen or on the rocks?

Filed Under: humor, parenting

Buckle up, here we go..

02/15/2015 by Evelyn Aucoin Leave a Comment

Evelyn Aucoin

My entire adult life, I have entertained my friends, co workers and family with stories. They even periodically make requests – “Evelyn, tell us the story again about how your son wiped his butt on the couch…” is probably a top 10 request.

Several girl night outs have included the rumination about eventually putting these stories to text, and eventually “writing that book” that I have talked about for 20 years. I run into a friends I haven’t seen since my days at Enron (yes, that Enron) and they ask “Did you write that book yet?”.

I want to finally tell them yes.

So this blog is a way to get my stories out there, and be a platform for my gift of storytelling.

As I have told my stories over the years, my most rewarding moment is when I get text messages like:

“Thank you, I feel so much better.”

“My sides still hurt.”

“I will never be able to look at your couch the same way again.”

Life is hard.

Rearing children is hard. Being a wife, mom, professional accountant and then management consultant and business owner is stressful. Many days there seems to be nothing funny about it.

We all need to laugh, and we can use the gift of finding humor in a moment, to be in that moment with ease. To connect with our kids, husband, friend, co-worker, or pet. I want to help women everywhere, who share my sarcastic, irreverent view of the “normal” (whatever the hell that is) to find a reason to giggle or smile. And maybe let go of the stress, just a little.

I am a 45 year-old Christian, native Texan, married for 24 years (yes – child bride), mother of two boys, 18 and 16 (so no, I didn’t ‘have’ to get married), Aggie, with deep southern white trash roots, minister’s daughter, CPA, former Enron employee, yoga enthusiast, business partner, public speaker, artist, genealogist, and budding author. Welcome to my little corner of the internet. 

 

Filed Under: humor Tagged With: zerotohero

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Welcome

As the mom of two boys, I have learned that a sense of humor is one of the most important parenting skills you should master. I share my stories (including my missteps) to hopefully lighten the load of parenthood, helping other look for the humor – even if only in hindsight. Since my kids are now legally adults, I figure CPS won’t come after me as I share the reality of raising boys.

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