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My Life Between Coffee and Wine

Humor from the Home Front

EVELYN AUCOIN

Evelyn Aucoin

aggiefootball

Yes, I Kiss My Children With This Mouth

11/07/2015 by Evelyn Aucoin 2 Comments

Kiss My Children With This Potty Mouth

I am known among my circle of friends for a lot of things. My off-kilter sense of humor. My dramatic storytelling. My ridiculous addiction of saving lost animals. But, perhaps my most infamous trait is my potty mouth. There are merchant marines who have asked me to “clean it up a little”. I thought I had tempered my language for naughty words as I became a mom; however, a couple of situations with my children proved otherwise.

When my oldest son was four years old, he was in a great Montessori school. The headmistress at this preschool did not mess around. To say she lacked any evidence of a sense of humor is putting it politely. She was not unkind to the children, but she had zero tolerance for any monkey business.

So, as I sit at my very open desk at UBS Warburg Energy, my co-workers hear me say “Oh Sh!t” as I see the school number appear on my caller ID. They then perk their ears for my side of the phone call from the Take-No-Crap-Montessori- Headmistress:

“Yes, this is Evelyn.” “He said what?” “Oh my God.” “Um, yes, I will come to the school now.”

My co-workers do not have to solicit an explanation.

“My son had a friend grab a toy away from him. So my child, and in loud voice with perfect enunciation, looked at the playmate, and said ‘F%^& You.’ I do not know if I am horrified or slightly impressed that he used it in proper context.”

Not to be left out, my youngest had his moment in the cussing spotlight. Several years later, we took the boys to a Texas A&M football game. My youngest was four years old (I sense a trend).  This child has understood football since he was two. As an infant, if you turned the TV channel off of a football game, he would cry until you returned the channel to the game.

My kids had their handheld game devices to help keep them occupied. The Aggies were playing Colorado, and the game had been very close – trading the lead over and over.

At the end of the fourth quarter, A&M was ahead, but in the last seconds Colorado tied the game –  so we were headed for overtime. We are surrounded by old Ags, and there was audible disgust that we did not hold the lead. As the stadium sounds quieted around us, my youngest, in coke bottle glasses, adding to his appearance as an innocent child, glances up from his Gameboy, and at full volume declares:

“Colorado scored! Son of a b*tch.”

Everyone in our immediate area busted out in laugher. My husband shot me the “I wonder where he heard that” look, just to cover his butt.

So, me and my mouth have managed to leave quite a trail of stories. And as “offended” as some people will pretend to be, they often request I tell these stories over and over. What can I say? Love me, love my mouth.

Filed Under: humor, parenting Tagged With: aggiefootball

Colossal Emergency “Need to Pee” Parenting Fail

07/26/2015 by Evelyn Aucoin Leave a Comment

Need to Pee Parenting Fail

All the recent talk about cars due to the accident drama  has reminded our family of another infamous car moment.

We live outside of Houston, Texas and as dedicated Former Students, we had season tickets to Texas A&M Football for about nine years. We made this quality family time – or at least always attempted to make it such. One night will forever go down in our family lore.

One night we were making the 77 mile trek home (yes, exactly 77 miles – when you are exhausted and trying to get home you know exactly how far it is). It was probably 8  or 9 pm. Our boys were about 13 and 11 at the time. Both dozed off in the car on the way home.

18 Miles to Go….and he has to GO

About 18 miles from home, in the middle of NOWHERE, Texas, the 13 year old wakes up in a panic.

Tween: “Mom, I gotta PEE”

Me: “We are nearly home – just hold it”

Tween: “I can’t! I gotta go really bad!!”

In my husband’s family, there are a plethora of stories concerning long distance car trips, in a Dodge van, that involved urination in soda cans, McDonald’s cups and even a dog dish. So my husband hands back an empty Ozarka water bottle and tells him to just use this.

A water bottle makes a lousy substitute for a bathroom.
A water bottle makes a lousy substitute for a bathroom.

Famous last words.

So I hear my son struggling down his shorts behind my head, hear the sound of liquid hitting plastic briefly and then..

Tween: “OH NO!”

I turn my head to the left as I see a high pressure stream of pee hit my husband in the back of the head, witness it flying into the windshield, hitting the navigation system, radio, a/c controls, and feel it sweep across the back of my leather seat.

Me: “Omg, STOP!”

Tween: ” I CAN’T!”

She shower of urine continues flying all over the inside of the Lexus SUV, while his younger brother, who is strategically out of the line of fire, is laughing hysterically. You know you are an optimist, when you initial thought after it ceases is that you are so glad he didn’t have to poop.

Febreeze is not going to cut it

Once we get home it is clear – we may have to burn the car. There is pee EVERYWHERE – all over the seats, carpet, ceiling, into air vents, etc.

And which parent drives this car to work everyday? That would be me. My husband’s words of advice? “Good Luck with this cluster” as he goes into the house to take a very long shower.

So I did what any other rational mom would do. I cleaned up the driver’s seat and immediate area. Monday morning, I drove straight to a very elite car wash in an area of town far from where I live. I arranged for the super detail cleaning with seats and carpet cleaning – the works! I explained, “My precious children spilled and sprayed lemonade all over the car! So it is going to be very sticky! I am so glad I found your service – I will be sure to tell all my friends about you.”

Best $180 I ever spent. Of course, the real kismet is that I kept this car for many years, and that tween drove it to high school for two years. He never did take a date in it. I wonder why?

Filed Under: humor, parenting Tagged With: aggiefootball, texas, travelingwithkids

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Welcome

As the mom of two boys, I have learned that a sense of humor is one of the most important parenting skills you should master. I share my stories (including my missteps) to hopefully lighten the load of parenthood, helping other look for the humor – even if only in hindsight. Since my kids are now legally adults, I figure CPS won’t come after me as I share the reality of raising boys.

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