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My Life Between Coffee and Wine

Humor from the Home Front

EVELYN AUCOIN

Evelyn Aucoin

texas

My Monkey Butt Valentine

02/02/2018 by Evelyn Aucoin Leave a Comment

Cupids and Monkey Butts for Valentine's Day

When my boys were school age, every year before Valentine’s Day we made the requisite trip to Target for cards to share with their classmates. In 2005, after carefully selecting “Finding Nemo” themed cards, my younger son, who was in kindergarten at the time, announces he would like to select a special card.

“For whom?” I ask.

“Sara,” he replies.

I smile, Sara** is the cute girl across the street that he has known since they were toddlers.

Encouraging independence, I instruct him to select a card as I watch from the end of the aisle (mistake #1). He is about three feet tall, so his selection is limited to the bottom half of the display.

My older son is visibly annoyed by the delay, and stands next to the cart, sighing and kicking the wheel.

My younger son has an affinity for the ladies. When he was three, he took gymnastics lessons. He would get mesmerized by the girls practicing all around the gym and need to be constantly redirected by the coach back to his activity. When he was four, he had a day care teacher who was a knockout – talk, red hair and an hour-glass figure. Smoothest drop-offs we ever experienced as he bolted into her arms. Once when he was two, we were in church and he was standing up on the pew between my husband and I. When the priest directed the congregation to “share a Sign of Peace” with each other, he spun around to the well-endowed parishioner behind us, and sunk his toddler face into her cleavage. Luckily, she was mother to five boys, so nothing could phase her, including getting motorboated during mass.

It is a monkey in a diaper.

He proudly returns with a card. It has a monkey on the front, dressed like cupid, modestly wearing a diaper and holding a bow and arrow. I hold it so my second grade son can also opine on the selection (mistake #2).

It says on the front “To My Valentine – How I love your smile..”

Inside: “…and you also have a nice butt.”

I am momentarily stunned by the horny monkey my sweet boy has selected to convey his affection for our neighbor.

Although I am speechless, my older child points at his brother and yells, “You know you are not old enough for sex!”

In the middle of Target, in front of God and everyone.

(Note: My oldest son’s deficiency of an oratory filter is genetic trait.)

Spoiler alert: I didn’t buy the card.

I am doubly horrified. My little boy wants to confess to five-year-old Sara what a fine rump roast she has, and my older son thinks his younger brother is a sex addict.

Neutralizing my expression, I do not respond to either child. Remember, I am in the Deep South, and at this point, I risk getting nasty side glances from the elderly ladies thumbing through the cards with Bible verses.

Waiting until we are safely sealed inside my SUV, I debrief with the children on the incident. I ask my youngest if he understood what the card said. He quotes the front and inside of the card to me, and simply explains that he thought it was funny. I ask the older child if he knows what sex is, and he rolls his eyes and says of course he does. When pressed for evidence of his knowledge he says, “Kissing of course. What did you think I meant?”

A decade has passed since this incident.  We still refer to any slightly risqué situation as “playing the monkey card”.

Thanks Target. Could you stock cards that mention bootylicious Valentines a little higher on your displays? That would be great.

**Name changed to protect the “baby got back” innocent child.

Filed Under: humor, parenting, Religious Humor Tagged With: parenting, southern, texas, valentines day

No Birds or Bees, Just Giraffes and Chickens

08/04/2017 by Evelyn Aucoin 1 Comment

I was equally fascinated and horrified by the obsession with the knocked-up giraffe April and the associated Animal Adventure Park “giraffe-cam” earlier this year.  My Facebook newsfeed was peppered for six weeks with “She is in labor! This is it!” and my favorite comment – three weeks before the blessed event — “I know I see a foot sticking out!”

I accept people were naturally nosy curious, but this mania bordered on voyeuristic.  Anyone who burned precious daylight on giraffe-watch needs to reflect on their priorities, me included.

Did anyone, for a second, doubt this big event would be memorialized on You Tube for all posterity? As research, I Googled “video giraffe giving birth” – approximately 3,200,000 hits.

Let that sink in

(Note:When the feds come knocking, I plan to show them this blog in my defense.)

The giraffe-cam showed Oliver the baby-daddy in the background. I thought he appeared bored with the whole ordeal, while others commented how “worried and nervous he looks!” I had a fantasy April birthed an alpaca, and Maury Povich instantly materialized to film a segment of “Who’s The Daddy TV” – yes, it is a thing.

Spoiler alert: Giraffes are not endangered

This was baby number 5 for April. Obviously not her first birth rodeo, and even if the fetus was 100 lbs., her exit ramp was traveled as well as Route 66.  It is safe to assert she required no virtual doulas to pull this off (or should I say, push this out?).

My theory:

Parents seized this opportunity to divert from the dreaded talk about from where babies originate; encouraging their children to watch a giraffe pop one out so they could check the box. I say this with no judgement. After all, then they can move on to less stressful conversations, like discussing the current political landscape in America. Just like parents today, my parental unit, collectively with my grandparents, avoided the topic of baby origins like the plague.

I spent my preschool years hanging out with my grandparents, who lived nearby.  They lived in the shadow of downtown Houston, Texas. My grandfather, Bobby, was the third generation reared on the Chapman family farm, located in a remote corner of McLennan County, outside Hewitt, Texas. Although a successful businessman, and living an urban lifestyle, he embodied the adage “you can take a boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy.”

While he was a Baylor graduate, his brother, Willis, attended Texas A&M. Willis once told me his nickname at A&M was “Country Chapman.” He clarified that if you were labeled a “country boy” at Texas A&M in 1936, that meant you were a hillbilly.

Bobby meticulously mowed and gardened his full acre property. The house sat on a curve, so the expanse of Saint Augustine grass was vast around the front side of the house, peppered with dozens of tall pine trees, and one colossal live oak. It was better maintained than most public green spaces.

My grandfather was organic before it was cool

He was an organic advocate, decades ahead of his time. I never saw a single pesticide used on any of his gardens. He fed his fantail goldfish – which grew to catfish size in a large back yard pond – oatmeal flakes.

Eggs were delivered to their home, direct from countryside, every Monday. A cheerful, aging farmer pulled up in his ancient pickup, and hand delivered a dozen eggs. In my grandfathers’ meticulous financial records, I determined he remitted $1.25 for this bounty.

I sat in the kitchen as Mama (my grandmother) would cook these prized eggs. I asked my grandfather, who I regularly accompanied to the grocery store, why he didn’t buy his eggs there.

“These are much better. I don’t trust the ones at the store,” he explained.

At the sagacious age of four, I was captivated by his cynicism of the eggs you could easily procure at the local Mini Max grocery store. Ever the inquisitor (my spawn come by it honestly), I pushed for justification.

“Evelyn, you should never eat an egg unless a rooster was involved. Do you know what I am saying?” he asked.

“Yes, Bobby. I understand,” I reassured him.

I was clueless

I didn’t understand the manufacture of eggs, babies or Cadillacs, for that matter. But I was entering Kindergarten later that year, I didn’t want the grandfather I adored to think I was a moron. Poor Bobby never intended to share quite so much over breakfast, but kids do that – take an abrupt turn in a conversation; creating opportunity for honing your aptitude for creative answers and refining your talent for diversion.

I have blogged about my sons for the last two years, so I obviously I filled the knowledge gap that remained after my chicken-based sex education.

This country boy’s granddaughter is not ashamed to disclose that I am an incurable egg-snob; I buy naturally-fertilized eggs, and I insist the origin to be Texas chickens.  Before you troll me, with accusations of being an egg racist, let me expound; Texas chickens equates to the eggs didn’t travel very far and therefore, should be fresher. At least that is what I tell myself.

I checked in with April; she has her own web page, an entry on Wikipedia, and 43K followers on Twitter.

So officially, a giraffe has a larger social media presence than I do

All for doing what hundreds of her peers were doing, but with a webcam. Obviously this is not a new strategy, but I give credit where credit is due; its application for giraffe birthing was an original twist.

Filed Under: humor, parenting Tagged With: aprilthegiraffe, childbirth, southern, texas

Congrats! You Have Been Upgraded to Uncle

05/31/2017 by Evelyn Aucoin 3 Comments

There is a phenomenon in my family, and I’m not sure if it’s only a southern thing, but friends who are in the inner circle (i.e. they have seen you in your pajamas) get promoted to relative status, and are renamed in due course. I was 13 before I determined that all these other girls that called my namesake grandma “Aunt Evelyn” were not actually blood relatives. In that same vein, there was a gentleman who would come to Houston from the valley (the southern tip of Texas, not silicon nor Fernando), and he would appear for an extended stay with my grandparents a couple times a year. I remember him visiting as some of  my earliest memories at their home, and due to his pajama-viewing front row seat at the breakfast table, he was ordained Uncle Frank.

Now there’s a saying that in the south that we don’t hide our crazy people, we put them right out on the porch and serve them sweet tea. Uncle Frank definitely had a key spot on the porch.

He would drive up in his pick-up truck with a camper on the truck bed, loaded with the Texas valley’s most famous export, ruby red grapefruit, which my grandfather adored. Uncle Frank was an attorney, and a decorated World War II hero. As my grandma explained “He was one of the boys from the base in Terrell Texas who trained the Royal Air Force.” Every year, alternating between Dallas and London, the reunion of these Texas boys and their British counterparts was an event; anyone with a weak liver need not RSVP.

Uncle Frank was a life long bachelor, loved to cook and entertain. The first time I ever ate a stuffed mushroom, Uncle Frank had made it and talked me through the process. He never married, but collected friends like relatives throughout his life. He was eccentric (translation: wealthy and quirky) and as endearing as they came. He was generous with his time, talent and finances.

Uncle Frank’s one true love was V.O. Canadian whisky. Since my grandparents (and parents, including my minister father) were all Southern Baptist, no alcohol of any kind was around our homes, until Uncle Frank rolled in for a visit, yet he faced zero judgment with our family. In her later years, my grandmother confided in me that there was a picture of my grandfather drinking a beer at a party in the mid 1950’s, that she promptly destroyed when my father went to the Baptist Seminary out of fear it would be seen. But with Uncle Frank around, it was cool that happy hour started at 10:30 in the morning. As a tip of the hat to his passion about nutrition, he would only drink his V.O. whisky mixed with whole milk.

Once I was old enough to drive, I was appointed to chauffeur Uncle Frank and my grandma around Houston to fancy restaurants. Bless his heart, he would get toasted, and then thank me with some cash after our adventures. It was like driving Miss Daisy – but Miss Daisy (my southern belle grandma) has her aged, frat boy best friend with her, and a teenage girl is navigating a bronze Cadillac Coup D’Ville all around town. Note this car was only slightly smaller than an aircraft carrier.

Uncle Frank always said old age came in four phases: First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to zip up, and finally you forget to zip down.

Uncle Frank lived in his boyhood home is whole life and actually passed (bow your head, shake slightly) in the same bed in which he was born, which makes him as Southern as they come. He always joked that at his funeral, he wanted to be buried with a bottle of V.O. and a telephone just in case he wasn’t dead. So sure enough, when we said goodbye to him in March 1994, the mourners called his bluff, and a phone and a bottle of V.O. were lovingly placed in the casket with him. Good thing he didn’t ask to be cremated; he probably would have burned for a month.

Filed Under: humor, parenting Tagged With: southern, texas, unclenomics, unclesmatter

Confessions Over Coffee

05/04/2017 by Evelyn Aucoin 1 Comment

Soaking up the quiet of Saturday morning on my patio, I enjoy my coffee in the stillness before being productive becomes my focus.  I look up and see my eldest son standing beside me. Somehow I spawned a ninja, because I did not hear him come out the back door.

I am looking at an eighteen-year-old young man, but once I make eye contact with his deep blue eyes, all I see is the sweet, tow-headed toddler who would play with his Winnie the pooh stuffed characters, making up stories and imitating all the cartoon voices.

“Mom,” uttered from a lower octave than I can conceive coming from the mouth of the perceived toddler within the man, “We need to talk.”

My imagination is instantly hijacked, and starts racing through potential scenarios.

Buying time to fret, I say, “Sounds like I may need a second cup, be right back.”

He has selected a college 3000 miles away from Texas in upstate New York. Is he changing his mind? He had a friend recently come out as gay, could it be about that? Did he drink at the party he went to last night?  I know he has another friend who was recently arrested for marijuana – could that be the impetus for this slightly dramatic audience?

Reloaded, I return to my spot on the outdoor couch, as he positions himself in a chair directly across from me.

I am mentally rehearsing my response, without even hearing the question. Taking a deep breath, I am trying to also control my facial reaction, which as a southern woman, is as likely as stopping the world from spinning.

Straightening my back, I prepare for mental impact as he breaks the silence.

“I know you only want the best for me. I also know that all the decisions you have made as my mom have come from a place of love, but I need to be honest with you about something.”

The pregnant pause hangs in the spring humidity between us, as I remind myself to breathe, and fortify my eyes in case tears begin to swell.

He continues, “I don’t like wheat bread. Once I am off in college, I will probably never eat wheat bread again when white is an option. Mom, I love white bread.”

I replay what he has just confessed. Is this for real, or am I being punked? Does he really think his confession that he desires an affair with Mrs. Baird’s is going to push me over the edge?bread

I stop listening to his continued reasoning as my thoughts drown him out. In perfect Catholic mom guilt, I conclude this is entirely my fault. Somehow in my mind, I had created this mystery and allure of white bread. “Oh no,” I would say at a picnic, “my boys only eat wheat bread. Is this all you have?” I have driven him to this. Into the arms of a soft, white, refined flour goddess of spongy, albino carbohydrates.

“There is more,” he adds. “I also don’t think I will stick to the ‘one soda a day’ rule when I am off in school. I just wanted to be honest with you.”

I never allowed soda until he was in grade school, and then I would repeat endlessly “no more than one a day”. Even on vacations. I didn’t realize that as a senior in high school, while nailing his ACT scores, being accepted to college, going on retreats and hanging out at friends’ houses, sometimes for days, he was sticking to this rule.

At least, he isn’t switching to diet. I comfort myself with the reminder that the true evil in this world lies with artificial sweeteners.

I realize the silence between us has hung too long, and so I reach across the verbal divide.

“Of course. You are an adult. You are leaving home for college. It is expected that you will be making choices that are your own.”

Satisfied with my response, he gives me a sideways squeeze of a hug, and leaves me alone to reflect on my patio.

If white bread and soda are his vices, I think everything is going to be just fine.

 

Filed Under: humor, parenting Tagged With: texas

Colossal Emergency “Need to Pee” Parenting Fail

07/26/2015 by Evelyn Aucoin Leave a Comment

Need to Pee Parenting Fail

All the recent talk about cars due to the accident drama  has reminded our family of another infamous car moment.

We live outside of Houston, Texas and as dedicated Former Students, we had season tickets to Texas A&M Football for about nine years. We made this quality family time – or at least always attempted to make it such. One night will forever go down in our family lore.

One night we were making the 77 mile trek home (yes, exactly 77 miles – when you are exhausted and trying to get home you know exactly how far it is). It was probably 8  or 9 pm. Our boys were about 13 and 11 at the time. Both dozed off in the car on the way home.

18 Miles to Go….and he has to GO

About 18 miles from home, in the middle of NOWHERE, Texas, the 13 year old wakes up in a panic.

Tween: “Mom, I gotta PEE”

Me: “We are nearly home – just hold it”

Tween: “I can’t! I gotta go really bad!!”

In my husband’s family, there are a plethora of stories concerning long distance car trips, in a Dodge van, that involved urination in soda cans, McDonald’s cups and even a dog dish. So my husband hands back an empty Ozarka water bottle and tells him to just use this.

A water bottle makes a lousy substitute for a bathroom.
A water bottle makes a lousy substitute for a bathroom.

Famous last words.

So I hear my son struggling down his shorts behind my head, hear the sound of liquid hitting plastic briefly and then..

Tween: “OH NO!”

I turn my head to the left as I see a high pressure stream of pee hit my husband in the back of the head, witness it flying into the windshield, hitting the navigation system, radio, a/c controls, and feel it sweep across the back of my leather seat.

Me: “Omg, STOP!”

Tween: ” I CAN’T!”

She shower of urine continues flying all over the inside of the Lexus SUV, while his younger brother, who is strategically out of the line of fire, is laughing hysterically. You know you are an optimist, when you initial thought after it ceases is that you are so glad he didn’t have to poop.

Febreeze is not going to cut it

Once we get home it is clear – we may have to burn the car. There is pee EVERYWHERE – all over the seats, carpet, ceiling, into air vents, etc.

And which parent drives this car to work everyday? That would be me. My husband’s words of advice? “Good Luck with this cluster” as he goes into the house to take a very long shower.

So I did what any other rational mom would do. I cleaned up the driver’s seat and immediate area. Monday morning, I drove straight to a very elite car wash in an area of town far from where I live. I arranged for the super detail cleaning with seats and carpet cleaning – the works! I explained, “My precious children spilled and sprayed lemonade all over the car! So it is going to be very sticky! I am so glad I found your service – I will be sure to tell all my friends about you.”

Best $180 I ever spent. Of course, the real kismet is that I kept this car for many years, and that tween drove it to high school for two years. He never did take a date in it. I wonder why?

Filed Under: humor, parenting Tagged With: aggiefootball, texas, travelingwithkids

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Welcome

As the mom of two boys, I have learned that a sense of humor is one of the most important parenting skills you should master. I share my stories (including my missteps) to hopefully lighten the load of parenthood, helping other look for the humor – even if only in hindsight. Since my kids are now legally adults, I figure CPS won’t come after me as I share the reality of raising boys.

Recent Posts

  • Public Urination Is No Joke, But Sometimes Funny
  • My Monkey Butt Valentine
  • No Birds or Bees, Just Giraffes and Chickens
  • Goodbye Gatekeepers, Sayonara Senior High
  • Congrats! You Have Been Upgraded to Uncle

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